so its for real today marks my 1 year sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010 at 10:40am
i made it and it was so much easier than i ever expected it to be. the first half was hard. but after i (key word) decided it was over it became so do able. i firmly give my success of a year to my desire to stay sober. everything else became tools that helped me. truth is without my desire to quit there was no way i would have.
one year sober.... i remember the days being so hooked on heroin nothing but death was ever separating me from it. then after a long hard road of Heroin and the party life. trip pin on acid, X, shrooms, robotussin, crack, cocaine, marijuana, opiates in the pill forms and so so so so much more. eventually my road lead me into the legal system. tho the legal system halted my use. it was not the end of my drug use.
After many many many, Detoxes, Rehabs, 1 Jail for 3 months, many many hours of groups and help from medical professionals i have come to this day. 1 year sober.
I must say when ever forced to quit. i fought it harder not to. Which is not a waste the force. for even tho i was unwilling to quit i picked up allot of tools that subliminally sunk into my mind. When i was over the Heroin at 20yrs old. i continued to smoke marijuana and trip and party. till i was 23 or 24 and i went to the dentist and had my wisdom teeth pulled out. that day my dentist gave me a script for hydrocodone. Opiates in a pill. and from that day till a year ago i was hooked on any Opiate pain med i could afford or get my hands on. Mind you even tho i could have gone back to heroin i never did. knowing its easier to get than pain meds and defiantly packs a bigger punch than any pill opiate. i learned my lesson the hard way with Heroin. I was never ever going down that road again. no matter how sick i was from the Pills. that says something.
Last year i got back into treatment on my own. I started on Suboxone which is the alternative to Methadone. which packs a far less punch than Methadone. Yet Suboxone has a freedom to it that methadone does not. i could take it home a script and not have to be at the hospital daily. It helped me allot. Tho the Suboxone does not give me any type of euphoric high. it does enough to give me the ability to keep living. Marijuana was also very hard to quit. being as its so acceptable by many and as drinking looked as a drug that really does no harm to anyone. Being an addict and in a program i knew that if i wanted to be on Suboxone i had to quit Marijuana too. I never wanted to quit smoking marijuana. But now a year after i am happy that suboxone gave me that push to stop it. For had it not been for suboxone i do not think i could have quit on my own.
Mind you when your doing drugs you cause depression. so if your depressed and use drugs know that its because of what you do. that you feel the way you do.
The medications i take now are Lexapro 20mg (its an antidepressant) Suboxone 16mg a day, and Concerta 72mg a day. all prescribed by my Doctors at my treatment facility at Strong.
I must say i have learned in this year. that a drug does not make me who i am. for so long i thought if i lost the drugs i would lose the uniqueness of myself. I have not. I use to think the only happiness was in drug use. I am so happy today and i am drug free. Even with all the problems i have been having lately. I am still Happy in my skin. Drugs have a way of making you think that there air. and that without them life sucks and or is boring. Its so not boring and it does not suck . I have figured out there trick , the one they played on me. And overcome it. and am so thankful. I strongly believe it is my desrie to quit that helped me stay sober. and all the rest are tools that i use to help me maintain. Everyone has there own road. this is one thing i know. AA and NA help many. but for me they did not do what they are suppose to. but as i said we all walk our own roads. I believe that without desire 1st off no tool weather it be suboxone, NA/AA, Rehab, Church, Self Help, Physciatry what ever it is. without a deep desire to change. nothing will change you or make you quit. Unfourtunetly this road has to be found with death or a very very Dark ride. there is no way around it. if you are using and can maintain stability , then your a baby. when your become an elder in drugs you have quit. trust that.
Do i regret. no an yes. the time i wasted yess. but i experienced things in drug use that if i was normal i would have never experienced. and that i do not regret. as beautiful an amazing as thease things i witnessed there is a price to pay for a peak into the unknown. i am greatful ii am alive to speak about it.
Would i do it all again if i knew what i know now. Had heroin not saved my life from the pain of my brothers suicide no. If tripping had not let me see beyond human eyes , no... dealing with all the pain of the drugs and the pain my family and friends had to bare no.
One thing i know for sure is that you can laugh now and think i will never get like that. But i will not laugh if you come to me when your times comes. i said the same things. never me. no way. blah blah blah. if this was a way of life that was sustainable. many of the millionaires who have died because of there use are mearly examples that you can be rich as bluck and still not defeat this.
tool in my road...
de·sire (d-zr)
tr.v. de·sired, de·sir·ing, de·sires
1. To wish or long for; want.
2. To express a wish for; request.
n.
1. A wish or longing.
2. A request or petition.
3. The object of longing: My greatest desire is to go back home.
4. Sexual appetite; passion.
http://www.suboxone.com/
http://www.urmc.rochester.
ask for Charles Brown as a counselor trust me. !!
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